Feelings Vol.10

 Emotions have no rating just feel them

Don't ever try to have fun with someone's feelings, that may be an amusement for you. But remember, those feelings are someone's life.

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"I need to care about you, but not need you"

I don't show up at your door anymore,

Even don't share details of my life every day,

Your name doesn't bring a smile like it used to,

Neither does it matter what I have to say.

You're not the first person to call on my birthday,

or the one who used to make a pretty gift,

Sometimes I forget that you even existed,

Days go by and I watch the calendar shift.

You don't catch up on me nowadays,

Even if I don't try and keep in touch,

I don't know pretty much what happened,

Why did we have to even end up as such?

it's not like I want you back,

it's not like we can make everything like before,

it's just that I've to walk around still caring,

But I don't think I need you anymore.

"Instead of being afraid of losing them, just wait and watch them lose you" 

I know there were days, you dwelled in your thoughts.

You kept changing yourself because you were afraid.

You were afraid of losing people, you molded and shaped yourself.

You changed according to them, yet they really accepted you.

Understand that being afraid to lose them won't make them stay with you.

Understand that you can't stop them letting go, understand that eventually, it's their loss, understand that all you can really do is, fall back and watch them lose you.

"How pity of me to think maybe someday you'll come to me forever"

The words hit me hard. It felt like a thunderbolt, scattering through my veins. Why? Why did he choose her over me?

I laughed hysterically, I didn't know what else to do?

I took a few steps back, turned around, and started walking towards my home. I heard him call my name, several times, but I didn't stop, instead, I started walking faster. Heartbreak hurts.

The next thing I knew I was running like crazy, tears making my vision blurry.

There was a part of me that wished he stopped me, but a part of me was glad he didn't.

I left numb.

It felt like the blood flowing through my body suddenly became icy cold. My throat was dry. I felt dejected and betrayed. I've always been beside him taking care of him, he should've asked me before doing this. He didn't.

It's easy to get lost in empty promises. To find comfort in seeing the same person every day. You develop a sense of false security being with the same person every day. I reached my home and went upstairs, closing the door behind me. I could feel my world falling apart. How stupid of me to think maybe someday he will come to me and tell me he has been in love with me forever. I waited for that day. I was a fool.

He told me white lies. He told me he wanted a future with me. I believed him, but a piece of me questioned his intentions. He made me feel like a second option. He made me feel like I was not good enough. I want someone to see me for what I am, not what they want me to be. But for now, I am allowing myself to let him go. He will forever be special. That is irreplaceable. He holds a key to my heart that no one will ever possess. I think it will always be him. It will forever be him. This is not closure. This is not saying goodbye. I believe it is me expressing my pain and my empty heart. It is me trying to accept the truth and let him go. But I love him still. And I forever will.

"You told me to forget you but how can I forget you if I've to see you every day"

"Are you okay?" she asked, taking a peek at me through the corner of her eyes. I nodded, wiping the tears that she almost ignored. I couldn't tell her that I wasn't, she was trying to cheer me up, but why?

I wasn't telling her that I was mentally going insane and that there are hurricanes and tornadoes of unknown insecurities rising and falling inside.

I am okay. How can I be? Why is she doing this? Pretending that everything is oh-so-good but it's not.

I was trying to maintain distance from her, wasn't I?

I was trying to avoid her because one moment she tells me we're done and next she suddenly shows up, asking me, if I am okay, isn't it obvious to her that I'm not? 

She can't keep playing with my feelings and expects me to talk to her whenever she's free. It doesn't make any sense. I was feeling helpless and so vulnerable. I wanted her here, by my side, for always. But at the same time, I did not want to stay near her, it'd make me feel worse.

It hurts to have her in front of my eyes but not in my arms. It feels like someone just poured lava on me, and my heart is burning from inside.

It hurts, to talk to her knowing that she's not with me anymore. My heart feels so heavy thinking that she won't ever come back.

I want the whole sky to engulf me just along with the sun rip me apart into tiny pieces and scatter me into pieces, so far that I wouldn't be able to feel what I'm feeling right now. I feel shades of helplessness winding me from inside, as I say "Yes, I'm fine." But I'm not okay. I'll never be.

"Aren't we scared that we won't get the kind of love that we watch in the movies"

Aren't we scared that we won't get the love that we read in novels? And the love we see in the movies? The perfect love, that they portray? We've always heard stories of the prince and princess living together happily ever after, that is when we lied. We were lied to since childhood through fairytales, through novels, through movies, we lied. It was a lie because, in real life, love isn't perfect. Love isn't so flawless. In real life, it's messy and sometimes crazy. We do not live happily ever after. In real life, we argue, we get frustrated, we get angry and sad but we make up. We do not find ourselves a perfect person. We find a person who is perfect for us and only us. We start loving their flaws and we fall in love with their imperfections, that is when they become perfect for us. At some point in our lives, we do feel like we want to experience the love that they write novels about, but we start to understand, that perfect love never existed, each one of us is flawed, none of us is perfect, it is all creation of human mind and this is reality. We eventually learn to stop escaping reality. We finally start to understand what is to love and get loved in return.

💖_________________________💖 

Puvvukonvict...........

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